I have often wondered why my birthday signified the one day of the year that I digress and, often, find myself being fragile and, above all else, somewhat discontented. Well, on the eve of my birthday - after a delicious meal, a glass of something lovely and a wicked DVD session (Skins) - I questioned why my birthday is often met with stomach-churning feelings.
The simple answer - which I found when I caught myself rubbing my wound with salt - was not the ageing factor as most would think it is, but rather a reflection of my life. The question that still haunts me is: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH YOUR LIFE? and more specifically: what have you done over the past year?
Made a notable impact? set a milestone in someone's life? rescued a kitten from a tree? anything!?
I've featured in people's blogs and several print publications - but those were not necessarily my aspirations - they're are the frills and thrills which I am delighted and chuffed to have been a part of, but those were not necessarily on the top of my to-do list.
How was last year different from the previous one? Not to say my life can be summed up with the colour grey, but was there a significant change?
Am I just living for the sake of it (dying is too morbid and I've managed to convince myself life would be horrible without me on the planet so I HAVE TO LIVE for something!) or do I have a voice in anything? Is my opinion as valuable as I would like it to be - even if the audience comprises of the neighbour's dogs that bark when i sashay past? I get the feeling that I am hitching a free-ride on my own life with an unknown pilot and unknown destination, picking up all sorts of bad habits, memorable moments but still no THEE MOMENTS along the way.
HAVE I achieved anything at all? I own pretty things, petty things, useless things, brocken things, given tip(s) in restaurants, at the petrol station, to the homeless (and walked away patting myself on the back thinking I am a good person when all I have done is shedded guilt-be-gone cash for not having any impact on that person's life) and I work on a philanthropistic project (but that does not make me a philanthropist as I receive a salary for that)...
I am grateful for being me and no one else; I have achieved and have/own/working towards what many would consider a dream, I have beautiful friends (who are friends with me because I am me and nothing else) but there is still a void to be filled and that's where my birthday melodrama stems from:
How will this year be different from the last? Will I make the same mistakes? Will I take the leap of faith and do THAT that I've always wanted to do but have always been too busy, too scared or some other lame "too something" excuse?
These are the words that echo in my mind...
Happy Birthday Maque!